I have a confession to make, I used to be a sucka for getting married early. I had my whole wedding planned out in my head, How I wanted my life to be and all.
I had planned that at 23 I would be married and 24 would have my 1st child. It's amazing how excited and all I would be about getting married and life there after with prince charming. I could actually picture it all in my head, Had envisioned different scenarios, The thing with me is, as much as I day dream and see all the great stuff I know life had to offer, I am also very good with thinking and for see the worst, Trust me even death.
Now I'm sure you are wondering why I said i "Used to be a sucka" well now Ive come to the point where, I'm not as excited as I used to be about it anymore, Th best word to describe it is fear. I've suddenly become afraid of settling down, the idea in it self is frightening, I dunno how all this started, I mean Ive always thot about how I would be accountable to someone else, I would have to shed this whole independent Act and all, working as a team, Building our home together, Loving him, building a friendship, companionship . For some strange reason ( even though I have not been asked and I am in a very serious relationship), I've just become cold when it comes to that issue now. I have started thinking about all the other things I could do with my life that don't include marriage. I've also gotten very afraid of leaving the nest( now pls, bear in mind that I have been living alone for the past 5 years), But I still talk to my Mother every blessed day the Good Lord has made.
The thought of leaving my family and joining another to start our own, Changing my last name, (Actually if I get my way i want to Hyphenate my last name Oruko baba lasgidi- Oruko Oko) is quite overwhelming. I wake up now a days with the feeling that marriage is not for me and I wouldn't be able to hold my home, Like I wont last long in it.
In short I need to change this need found Fear or whatever it is called, My Mother for one must not hear of this rubbish, if not nah prayer and fasting she go take scatter my own. In all seriousness, I feel I need to be more prayerful, I hate it when I feel this way. DEPRESSION, FEELING LOW, CONFUSION ETC to me are the work of the devil. I've come to realise that when I take my relationship with God very serious, I feel very safe, things work out the way they should, I dunno it's a very good feeling.
Watever it is, I am sure Iwill over come it by God's grace.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
This Big Heart Of Mine.
So for the past one week I've been feeling like the girl with the largest heart, Yes pls let me praise my self. After all I've done for people, I need it. Enough of the Praises, Well the problem now is that I feel like the more you do for the people, the less they appreciate the things you do.and the more they take advantage of you.
I should have actually started this off as a rant, but ohh well it's all Good. I feel like when people esp friends realise ur the Mrs generous they want to suck you dry.
Example
I have a room mate, who's employment situation has been off and on, fine. Some days she can afford the rent and Other days she can't. That's cool , *We are our brothers keepers*. The part that's kills me now is that, The weather out here is cool and u can sleep with or without a fan, Pls why does she have the air conditioner on in her room at night? You can hardly afford the rent, who is gonna take care of the Electricity bills MOI?
2. I have some cousins visiting who cannot even help me carry anything back with them to Nigeria. Meanwhile when I go, I carry stuff for them, Who says I don't have stuff to carry too ?
3. I have a friend who's asked me to help her do something, OK fine I agreed to help out but pls let me do it in my own time, u can't sit on my neck and then become a thorn in my flesh!!!!
The beautiful thing about all these people, Is that I am sure if the tables were turned they wouldn't do half of what I have done. I really can understand why people do not go out of their way to do things for other people.
The sad part about my rant is that , It hurts when I say no to people, I tell u , Its not cos I am trying to get in their good books or anything, it just that I feel that God has been with me and has answered me every time I've called him. I feel like, If God hears my Cry even when I have fallen off the path, Who am I to say no to my fellow being?
I should actually change this attitude and see what happens?
I should have actually started this off as a rant, but ohh well it's all Good. I feel like when people esp friends realise ur the Mrs generous they want to suck you dry.
Example
I have a room mate, who's employment situation has been off and on, fine. Some days she can afford the rent and Other days she can't. That's cool , *We are our brothers keepers*. The part that's kills me now is that, The weather out here is cool and u can sleep with or without a fan, Pls why does she have the air conditioner on in her room at night? You can hardly afford the rent, who is gonna take care of the Electricity bills MOI?
2. I have some cousins visiting who cannot even help me carry anything back with them to Nigeria. Meanwhile when I go, I carry stuff for them, Who says I don't have stuff to carry too ?
3. I have a friend who's asked me to help her do something, OK fine I agreed to help out but pls let me do it in my own time, u can't sit on my neck and then become a thorn in my flesh!!!!
The beautiful thing about all these people, Is that I am sure if the tables were turned they wouldn't do half of what I have done. I really can understand why people do not go out of their way to do things for other people.
The sad part about my rant is that , It hurts when I say no to people, I tell u , Its not cos I am trying to get in their good books or anything, it just that I feel that God has been with me and has answered me every time I've called him. I feel like, If God hears my Cry even when I have fallen off the path, Who am I to say no to my fellow being?
I should actually change this attitude and see what happens?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)