I have a confession to make, I used to be a sucka for getting married early. I had my whole wedding planned out in my head, How I wanted my life to be and all.
I had planned that at 23 I would be married and 24 would have my 1st child. It's amazing how excited and all I would be about getting married and life there after with prince charming. I could actually picture it all in my head, Had envisioned different scenarios, The thing with me is, as much as I day dream and see all the great stuff I know life had to offer, I am also very good with thinking and for see the worst, Trust me even death.
Now I'm sure you are wondering why I said i "Used to be a sucka" well now Ive come to the point where, I'm not as excited as I used to be about it anymore, Th best word to describe it is fear. I've suddenly become afraid of settling down, the idea in it self is frightening, I dunno how all this started, I mean Ive always thot about how I would be accountable to someone else, I would have to shed this whole independent Act and all, working as a team, Building our home together, Loving him, building a friendship, companionship . For some strange reason ( even though I have not been asked and I am in a very serious relationship), I've just become cold when it comes to that issue now. I have started thinking about all the other things I could do with my life that don't include marriage. I've also gotten very afraid of leaving the nest( now pls, bear in mind that I have been living alone for the past 5 years), But I still talk to my Mother every blessed day the Good Lord has made.
The thought of leaving my family and joining another to start our own, Changing my last name, (Actually if I get my way i want to Hyphenate my last name Oruko baba lasgidi- Oruko Oko) is quite overwhelming. I wake up now a days with the feeling that marriage is not for me and I wouldn't be able to hold my home, Like I wont last long in it.
In short I need to change this need found Fear or whatever it is called, My Mother for one must not hear of this rubbish, if not nah prayer and fasting she go take scatter my own. In all seriousness, I feel I need to be more prayerful, I hate it when I feel this way. DEPRESSION, FEELING LOW, CONFUSION ETC to me are the work of the devil. I've come to realise that when I take my relationship with God very serious, I feel very safe, things work out the way they should, I dunno it's a very good feeling.
Watever it is, I am sure Iwill over come it by God's grace.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
This Big Heart Of Mine.
So for the past one week I've been feeling like the girl with the largest heart, Yes pls let me praise my self. After all I've done for people, I need it. Enough of the Praises, Well the problem now is that I feel like the more you do for the people, the less they appreciate the things you do.and the more they take advantage of you.
I should have actually started this off as a rant, but ohh well it's all Good. I feel like when people esp friends realise ur the Mrs generous they want to suck you dry.
Example
I have a room mate, who's employment situation has been off and on, fine. Some days she can afford the rent and Other days she can't. That's cool , *We are our brothers keepers*. The part that's kills me now is that, The weather out here is cool and u can sleep with or without a fan, Pls why does she have the air conditioner on in her room at night? You can hardly afford the rent, who is gonna take care of the Electricity bills MOI?
2. I have some cousins visiting who cannot even help me carry anything back with them to Nigeria. Meanwhile when I go, I carry stuff for them, Who says I don't have stuff to carry too ?
3. I have a friend who's asked me to help her do something, OK fine I agreed to help out but pls let me do it in my own time, u can't sit on my neck and then become a thorn in my flesh!!!!
The beautiful thing about all these people, Is that I am sure if the tables were turned they wouldn't do half of what I have done. I really can understand why people do not go out of their way to do things for other people.
The sad part about my rant is that , It hurts when I say no to people, I tell u , Its not cos I am trying to get in their good books or anything, it just that I feel that God has been with me and has answered me every time I've called him. I feel like, If God hears my Cry even when I have fallen off the path, Who am I to say no to my fellow being?
I should actually change this attitude and see what happens?
I should have actually started this off as a rant, but ohh well it's all Good. I feel like when people esp friends realise ur the Mrs generous they want to suck you dry.
Example
I have a room mate, who's employment situation has been off and on, fine. Some days she can afford the rent and Other days she can't. That's cool , *We are our brothers keepers*. The part that's kills me now is that, The weather out here is cool and u can sleep with or without a fan, Pls why does she have the air conditioner on in her room at night? You can hardly afford the rent, who is gonna take care of the Electricity bills MOI?
2. I have some cousins visiting who cannot even help me carry anything back with them to Nigeria. Meanwhile when I go, I carry stuff for them, Who says I don't have stuff to carry too ?
3. I have a friend who's asked me to help her do something, OK fine I agreed to help out but pls let me do it in my own time, u can't sit on my neck and then become a thorn in my flesh!!!!
The beautiful thing about all these people, Is that I am sure if the tables were turned they wouldn't do half of what I have done. I really can understand why people do not go out of their way to do things for other people.
The sad part about my rant is that , It hurts when I say no to people, I tell u , Its not cos I am trying to get in their good books or anything, it just that I feel that God has been with me and has answered me every time I've called him. I feel like, If God hears my Cry even when I have fallen off the path, Who am I to say no to my fellow being?
I should actually change this attitude and see what happens?
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The Rebel and The African Man
I've been reflecting lately and I've come to the conclusion that I've got alot of mouth on me . Yes I said it , "A whole lotta mouth" , This independent woman thing no easy, cos when u decide u want to be dependent (I mean that in the sense of step down and become all womanly, mushy mush, leaving the reins for someone else) nah wahala ohh. I can testify to it, cos I am in that dilemma.
Before I go, Let me describe my MR to you, Lets call him, Seth. See Seth nah in between Naija Guy, Today he is so westernised and Liberal and tomorrow he is the traditional African man. Me self tire for the fluctuation, Lol ( He's my darling sha). I tell u, He can feel like one traditional person like dat OMG, U guys need to see him, when he swings into action. We never marry self, but when I do something wrong nah " Now Woman listen to me " I go hear. lmao u need to hear him say it, it's so funny. He's like any other Naija man I know, Who wants to wear the pant's in the relationship. Really, I personally dont have a problem wit it, but My mouth does.................
Yes Lasgidi and Her mouth, U see by the time he is on A, Lasgidi has reached P, I tell you, Some days I shake my head and feel sorry for my self, u would think my mouth is on fast forward, ( Pls don't get me wrong, I don't hurl curses or abuses or anything of that sort) Its just that I love arguing. Kai I neva see my type before. My mama self don warn me say make I learn to keep quiet and let somethings go. Ohh the poor guy!!! I wonder how he copes with me, In my defence I must say he doesn't take it easy too with me when I start. lol
Let me address the cause of this MOUTH, I have,
I hate feeling vulnerable, wrong or stupid- Yes I can't deal with not being in control of anything, A soon as I realise I've lost power at some point, Trouble starts. Ohh well let me say I argue my way back to control. Lol, It's an uneasy feeling I just can't explain it. I AM SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN. 1st off I start crying about every little thing, I swear the vulnerable thing gets under my skin, Dunno what am gonna do with my self when it comes to marriage.
Seth on the other hand cannot stomach this behavior and he tends to build a wall around himself, Jesus the worst thing u can do. Well, yours truly starts arguing about how u looked at me when u came in so we can talk and I can get outta my state of God knows what. Lol
Second thing is, There is this thing in my head that compares everyone I date with my Father. It's a horrible thing. OMG. I need to stop it. As soon as I smell a trait of Baba Lasgidi on you, Omo nah die ohh. I love my father today, so I feel guilty for putting this down. But kai the greatest fear I have is marrying someone like my dad. It's another thing I cannot explain.
Third thing is, I AM STUBBORN !!! Well I've started Working on it. I am so set in my ways its unbelievable.
So I decided last month to be the Woman the Bible talks about and control the head from the neck, Lol. I tell you its not been easy but at least Seth's Happier and I am learning alot from this change...............
I thank God for Seth in my life, who has learnt to tolerate and love me with my drama.
love ya Babes.
Before I go, Let me describe my MR to you, Lets call him, Seth. See Seth nah in between Naija Guy, Today he is so westernised and Liberal and tomorrow he is the traditional African man. Me self tire for the fluctuation, Lol ( He's my darling sha). I tell u, He can feel like one traditional person like dat OMG, U guys need to see him, when he swings into action. We never marry self, but when I do something wrong nah " Now Woman listen to me " I go hear. lmao u need to hear him say it, it's so funny. He's like any other Naija man I know, Who wants to wear the pant's in the relationship. Really, I personally dont have a problem wit it, but My mouth does.................
Yes Lasgidi and Her mouth, U see by the time he is on A, Lasgidi has reached P, I tell you, Some days I shake my head and feel sorry for my self, u would think my mouth is on fast forward, ( Pls don't get me wrong, I don't hurl curses or abuses or anything of that sort) Its just that I love arguing. Kai I neva see my type before. My mama self don warn me say make I learn to keep quiet and let somethings go. Ohh the poor guy!!! I wonder how he copes with me, In my defence I must say he doesn't take it easy too with me when I start. lol
Let me address the cause of this MOUTH, I have,
I hate feeling vulnerable, wrong or stupid- Yes I can't deal with not being in control of anything, A soon as I realise I've lost power at some point, Trouble starts. Ohh well let me say I argue my way back to control. Lol, It's an uneasy feeling I just can't explain it. I AM SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN. 1st off I start crying about every little thing, I swear the vulnerable thing gets under my skin, Dunno what am gonna do with my self when it comes to marriage.
Seth on the other hand cannot stomach this behavior and he tends to build a wall around himself, Jesus the worst thing u can do. Well, yours truly starts arguing about how u looked at me when u came in so we can talk and I can get outta my state of God knows what. Lol
Second thing is, There is this thing in my head that compares everyone I date with my Father. It's a horrible thing. OMG. I need to stop it. As soon as I smell a trait of Baba Lasgidi on you, Omo nah die ohh. I love my father today, so I feel guilty for putting this down. But kai the greatest fear I have is marrying someone like my dad. It's another thing I cannot explain.
Third thing is, I AM STUBBORN !!! Well I've started Working on it. I am so set in my ways its unbelievable.
So I decided last month to be the Woman the Bible talks about and control the head from the neck, Lol. I tell you its not been easy but at least Seth's Happier and I am learning alot from this change...............
I thank God for Seth in my life, who has learnt to tolerate and love me with my drama.
love ya Babes.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
My Father
The 1st thing I remember about my dad is not the best of all.
I remember I was 5 and my mum came home one night and said we had to run away, she said we had to pack our bag that mama kehinde ( Our next door neighbour) was going to take us to her sisters house.
I remember things weren't so great BTW my parents, back then we lived in a 2 bedroom apt, one room for my mum, the maid and I and the other for my dad. Anytime , I entered my dad's room then, fear would grip me. I remember that anytime we heard his horn or a hr to the time he was to come home my mum would put off the TV and fan it so my dad couldn't tell we had been watching it. we would run to the room and fake sleep, even my mother, yes we all did.
Back to that nite, we rushed and left the maid in the house, fleeing like our lives depended on it, We went to my mum's sisters house. My mum's sis made sure I didn't leave her site for 2 days, It was like my father would appear any minute to come and take me away. During the time we were at my aunt's, they had explained to me I was going to London, even then I understood what was going on and was only too happy to be run away with my mum.
I remember the fear that rushed thru my veins at the airport cos I realised that my mum kept hiding me till we boarded.We arrived in London, it was blissful and I really don't remember much except I was happy until one evening my mum came home with my father!!! She says lasgidi "its daddy, say hello to daddy" I remember stepping back wondering why he had come back..........
Fast forward to today, I was thinking about this because I haven't called my father since February. He had a heart surgery last yr and before u crucify me, My mother and I were there for him. Just been avoiding him lately dunno why. Too many thing have happened thru the years.
He treated us BADLY, Ohh yes he did . Some days I wake up and I feel like I love my father to death and try to convince my younger ones that they should show the man some love , Other days I'm lost my self. I guess I am going thru that phase again.
A part of me feels very guilty and the other part cannot be bothered.
I remember I was 5 and my mum came home one night and said we had to run away, she said we had to pack our bag that mama kehinde ( Our next door neighbour) was going to take us to her sisters house.
I remember things weren't so great BTW my parents, back then we lived in a 2 bedroom apt, one room for my mum, the maid and I and the other for my dad. Anytime , I entered my dad's room then, fear would grip me. I remember that anytime we heard his horn or a hr to the time he was to come home my mum would put off the TV and fan it so my dad couldn't tell we had been watching it. we would run to the room and fake sleep, even my mother, yes we all did.
Back to that nite, we rushed and left the maid in the house, fleeing like our lives depended on it, We went to my mum's sisters house. My mum's sis made sure I didn't leave her site for 2 days, It was like my father would appear any minute to come and take me away. During the time we were at my aunt's, they had explained to me I was going to London, even then I understood what was going on and was only too happy to be run away with my mum.
I remember the fear that rushed thru my veins at the airport cos I realised that my mum kept hiding me till we boarded.We arrived in London, it was blissful and I really don't remember much except I was happy until one evening my mum came home with my father!!! She says lasgidi "its daddy, say hello to daddy" I remember stepping back wondering why he had come back..........
Fast forward to today, I was thinking about this because I haven't called my father since February. He had a heart surgery last yr and before u crucify me, My mother and I were there for him. Just been avoiding him lately dunno why. Too many thing have happened thru the years.
He treated us BADLY, Ohh yes he did . Some days I wake up and I feel like I love my father to death and try to convince my younger ones that they should show the man some love , Other days I'm lost my self. I guess I am going thru that phase again.
A part of me feels very guilty and the other part cannot be bothered.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Writing Phobia!!!
Happy New Yr, It's not too late i hope? I know I started my blog and I abandoned it, Well you can't blame me, Confusion is a disaster!!!
I'm Happy to say there's a stronger and happier me,I look back now and I'm glad I went thru those emotions cos it helped me gain a better understanding of myself.
Well moving along cos that is definitely the last talk on this blog of pain, hurt, breakup, etc, (Baba God I hope you are reading this). I have started seeing someone else and pls before anyone says that why she's a stronger person , I totally disagree.
So 2008 was a yr of YES WE CAN'S, Gosh I feel so empowered every time I see Obama's Picture, lol and well I guess in my own little way i did my bit. I have decided to start blogging regularly becos I have a fear of writing really !!! as in anything, even just sending emails. Its crazy I still don't understand it, but i know it is affecting me at work , So I am hoping that with time, the blog and some classes I will be able to get over this "phobia". Its really not as if I can't express myself , I think I let fear of heaven knows what get a hold of me and I keep second guessing myself. If you really want to get me, Just ask me to do a write up on anything and you will see fear written all over my face. So I guess I'll take it in strides and see how it goes, Pls suggestions are sooooooooo welcomed.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
I'm So Excited
Wow, how are u all doing , Gosh it been a great start this yr God has been so faithful. I guess why u are all wondering why i am so excited, Ok shhhhhhhhhhhh its a little secret and a work in progress but i have decided to start a scholarship fund in memory of my grandma. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS,
I could almost scream my office down , but ohh well i need the money don't i? lol anywayz its been on my mind to do it and i feel like i am at the point in my life, where i should start , however small, but i beleive and have this huge vision for it.
Like i said earlier on i have had this thing in my head that has been pushing me , but what really helped me come to that decision was a child, actually a baby, Ihad seen the last time i went home,
she was with her older sisters and the oldest one couldn't have been more than 8 or 9 yrs old, and they had to babysit. The baby was crying and everything her sisters did didn't help, so i went over and carried her, Isuggested we gave her a bath, cos men the baby wasn't smelling good at all not that she pooped or anything but, i realised that even the bath didn't help so as i was dressing her up , i asked for her nappy and iw as given a piece of cloth which iw as supposed to tie round her butt, Ok people i was like huh, the piece of cloth was so light that if she has pooped or even peeied , it wouldn't have absorbed anything. So i asked for her food and the next thing i was given was an old feeding bottle that looked like it had fallen all over the place, it had pap that was cold and just not it.
Anywayz i helped them that day, But another picture flashed thru my head, and it was the image of a lady i had seen on the bus when i was in high school, breastfeeding her child, The mother and child had the worst rash i had ever seen in my life .
So my people i have decided to start a scholarship fund/ charity type thing, i know what i am going to call it and hope to officially lunch it before Summer.
Pls put me in ur prayers, I also have another project i am working , will blog about that later, don't want to jinx it. Lol
Take care.
I could almost scream my office down , but ohh well i need the money don't i? lol anywayz its been on my mind to do it and i feel like i am at the point in my life, where i should start , however small, but i beleive and have this huge vision for it.
Like i said earlier on i have had this thing in my head that has been pushing me , but what really helped me come to that decision was a child, actually a baby, Ihad seen the last time i went home,
she was with her older sisters and the oldest one couldn't have been more than 8 or 9 yrs old, and they had to babysit. The baby was crying and everything her sisters did didn't help, so i went over and carried her, Isuggested we gave her a bath, cos men the baby wasn't smelling good at all not that she pooped or anything but, i realised that even the bath didn't help so as i was dressing her up , i asked for her nappy and iw as given a piece of cloth which iw as supposed to tie round her butt, Ok people i was like huh, the piece of cloth was so light that if she has pooped or even peeied , it wouldn't have absorbed anything. So i asked for her food and the next thing i was given was an old feeding bottle that looked like it had fallen all over the place, it had pap that was cold and just not it.
Anywayz i helped them that day, But another picture flashed thru my head, and it was the image of a lady i had seen on the bus when i was in high school, breastfeeding her child, The mother and child had the worst rash i had ever seen in my life .
So my people i have decided to start a scholarship fund/ charity type thing, i know what i am going to call it and hope to officially lunch it before Summer.
Pls put me in ur prayers, I also have another project i am working , will blog about that later, don't want to jinx it. Lol
Take care.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Happy New yr ( a little too late)
Wassup, sorry i have been away, i just had to get a hold of my self, the path which i was on last yr was bit scary. Anywayz by the grace of God there is a rejuvenated me, Happy and cheerful. To my people out there i pray 2008 is a yr of prosperity, promotions, good health, spiritual upliftment, weddings, happy homes, child births, financial enlargement, I pary the lord keeps us and will continue to let his face shine upon us, he will grant us out heart desires and protect us from every thing that is not of him.
This yr hopefully i have enough time as i am back in school for my masters, My blog will take a different tone, do i hear some people saying thanks God, OH well its for the best.
Happy new yr.
This yr hopefully i have enough time as i am back in school for my masters, My blog will take a different tone, do i hear some people saying thanks God, OH well its for the best.
Happy new yr.
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